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Roller coaster...some days good, some days bad. Can't really talk about this on FB, folks don't know he committed suicide outside of family and very close friends.

Getting all the news in bits and pieces. But far as we can tell, he did something bad, something he felt he could go to jail for. It (whatever it is) was found out and the people were going to tell his boss. Now my brother was a very impulsive person for good and bad. And did make mistakes. But had a very good heart and loved his family and friends very much. Kendrick doesn't want to know what it is...I do and have to to be able to deal with my niece and nephew. No matter what it was, he was my brother and I love him very much.

Noone could have seen this coming...not his fiance, nor his children, nor his family. He had been through the death of his first wife - who he loved dearly, our father, our brother in the last 20 years. All of which affected him very deeply.

Ya wonta know how much I hate the fact there was a gun in his house? How fucking easy it was to grab it and kill himself with it in a moment of his deepest despair? What would have happened if there was no gun there....he may have done it anyways but would have had to work harder at it and maybe, just maybe would come to his senses.

They talk about mental health and not allowing folks with issues to have a gun. How do you know when to not permit that? When they blow themselves away or a schoolroom of children?

Have to deal with my brother's fiance and her children and grandchildren. Her daughter and the grandchildren found John's body. The grandchildren are 10-15 years old. They lived with John and his fiance.

My niece is very upset and on FB venting. She is implying John was being bullied. But we won't know til we get together and take the various pieces of the puzzle and try to find out and then decide what we need to do.

LJ is a very safe place for me to vent, one one or two people actually read my postings. And that is a good thing. Need to vent somewhere.
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My brother committed suicide last night. Got a little sleep, not much. Staying by the phone to answer questions, deal with other members of family. It was not expected. He killed himself with a gun. His girlfriend's children and grandkids (teenagers) found him. Processing all this. Loved my brother, was closest to him. We were the nerdniks, dweebs, rednecks in the family. Everyone else is sophisticated. Plus I need to go to the Oncologist this afternoon and get the bad news.

Talked to my nephew to see how I can help. Found out that there is a group that comes in and cleans the house after a suicide, that is trained for that. His girlfriend had flown home to deal with putting her mom in hospice. Now she is flying back to deal with John. Can life get any suckier?

Mom is being told this afternoon that John died in his sleep. Wanted so badly that John and my bro Matt came to get her in her sleep. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
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Darling husband came with a concerned look on his face. Said he was going to give me a gift certificate to my former favorite hair salon to get a cut and dye job. He was uncomfortable....told him it was ok, wanted to wait to see if I was gonna have hair first :) Not sure if what I will be going through, will make me lose it or not. Suggested another place in town that I like better and that is half the price. Will go there once I find out what the story is as far as keeping my hair :)

We are trying to get work done - putting shelving up in my downstairs office so I can put the duplicate books up - before I feel not well enough to deal with it. He has a sliding/folding bookcase idea that we will try, I think. My poor store and shop is exploding with boxes of books. We have been going to auctions almost two times a month plus buying remaindered books. Shop ids closed right now - too cold to heat - so the boxes are going out there for the time being and in the house. We want our house back.

We have become addicted to playing cooperative board games. I never was a D and Der. But love cooperative board games especially the versions of Pandemic :) Hoping down the line they do a medieval version. We spent the money Mom gave us for Christmas on games!
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Can't post on FB yet - don't want all and sundry to know especially family but need to vent? a little here. Just got a phone call. They are starting me on Ritaxin next week. Guess the wait and see period is over. We are puzzled because it didn't sound like it would have to happen, at least so soon. We will see the oncologist next Thursday to get the scoop. Have had bloodwork and a mammio done last couple of days. Might need a lung exam - they saw some spots there but they haven't asked for a CAT Scan of that area. After my apt, we will have an Intro to Ritaxin 101. After that we will be going in for treatments weekly for 4 weeks and then again monthly for treatments for awhile. Apparently I won't lose my hair but not trusting much. I trust that my Onc will get me better, she has before but no rainbow good news stuff from her anymore, just want the facts mam. So my life will be on hold. Uncertain I will be healthy enough to make Birka or Gulf wars. Altho I may ask my husband to do Birka and get a friend to help him - need the money. Gulf wars is sortof up in the air anyways since no one is chiming in to help drive me and the books to Miss. Will take it a week at a time. I asked if there was any way I could skip pregnizone...they said yes. Apparently this isn't the tablet form but will be injected. Will go for treatment in Framingham which is almost an hour away. So not a real happy camper right now. Confused.
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Had a dream that night that bothered me.

I am not very good at the friendship thing. Never have been. Kendrick used to be upset that I wasn't making friends, developing a cadre of folks to hang out with...like he had. With his gaming chums he sees once a week. Granted he really doesn't do anything other than that with them. He is still bothered but has seen I have tried but to no avail.

Have "friends", they aren't really that I guess, that are 8 minutes, 10 minutes away that I haven't seen in 5-8 years. At one time I tried getting them to do things but they bowed out for one reason or another. In my dream, I went to visit them and told them about my cancer. They looked at me and went on talking about whatever it was they were talking about. It was like I was invisible and didn't exist. Bothered me when I first got up a lot. But in thinking on the dream, have realized that distance doesn't make a friend. And to stop beating myself up for not being interested in things they were interested in. And not to blame them for not being interested in my particular passions. And to let em go. The friendship will never happen, tis dead on the vine. Have folks that are hundreds of miles away that I consider closer to me and what a friend should be, than ones that are minutes or an hour away. And I do also realize, in some ways it is easier to be friends at a distance...you don't see the warts!

And then there are the ones that are a few hours away that have tried including me in everything...even when I had to say no, they still did. And feel sad I have said no. The no doesn't come from a place where I don't want to. I usually do, but am cognizant of the fact that my relationship with my husband in terms of playtime, also has to be nurtured. Most of the time, all we do is work.

And now, there are the new friends...that we are just starting to do things with...that we have known for a long time but never really hung out.

I am not angry or sad, just pensive and wanted to write this all out. Got me to thinking as well, friendship really does need to be nourished by me and others or it doesn't flourish.

Note to FB friends since I have decided to post this there.
I will go through FB and do yet another culling. Still have way too many friends - most of whom were friends from old Nero days and haven't really kept in contact with them. No fault on them at all. So if you are one of those that get culled, don't feel sad. I may just unfollow folks - but for some reason I am still getting messages from folks I have unfollowed. Just time for me to move on and keep the feed free for those folks that I at least see or talk to once a year for the most part.

Pennsive

Dec. 9th, 2016 09:51 am
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Been on an emotional roller coaster as of late. Have been lonely. My friends that are far away have been more responsive than the ones that are more local. In the old days, this used to hurt very badly. Now I kinda accept it. It is what it is. But I do have to reevaluate my definition of "friend". I am afraid tho, that I will have no support system outside of my husband if things go belly up. This will be too much on him. But I won't delve into that until I get a better idea of my physical issues. Family knows now about stuff. Mom doesn't, but I will tell her at Christmas time. A truly crappy decision but I am not there for mom to see that I am doing ok and I am concerned about her sleeping. She is 92. The only reason I will tell her is that I do not want her to find out accidentally from other family members. My sister, who is an internist, and who she is very close to, can answer any questions she doesn't want to ask or that I don't know the answer to.

Funny thing is, I want to live more than I cared about before. Our marriage is more solid than it was before. Our finances as well. We have plans to move that both of us are excited about and to establish a new bookshop and bookbindery. We won't move for another 3-5 years, depends on my health and how much we have socked away. I really do want to be closer to those friends in the Virginia area as does Chris, altho we will most likely have the business in Penn. But we will happily be able to attend more Marinusian and Silverleaf events. I am just tired of trying so hard to fit in here. No guarantees there either but a new business will be fun and us being more centrally located to our shows is a happy thing. I am done here. Want to move on. Kendrick wants a larger shop - he has more of a friendship base here and that concerns me.

stuff

Nov. 30th, 2016 05:48 pm
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Have an apt with my surgeon Thursday- don't think he will be used but. He will give me more info I hope. Not knowing how bad is hard. My apt with my oncologist is on the 13th. Same oncologist as before. She is good...45 minutes away but I can have any treatment I need locally. Kendrick told the folks at work that he will be in late a far bit. Or not at all.

I do want to tel my family, but not until I have as much info as I can get. I can't say anything on FB until they know. Trying not to vaguebook.

It is entirely possible that some of the results will not be conclusive - which is not a bad thing. If I have time before I start chemo or whatever regimen they want me to go on, might think about doing clinical trials. I had wanted to do clinical trials the last go around but then I was diagnosed with Stage II - lymphoma in multiple places - so had to start chemo right away.

If I have to have chemo, want to get it out of the way before Pennsic starts...I really want to go to Pennsic. Right now Gulf Wars is more than iffy.

Going to find old medical records etc, and maybe look at old LJ journal entries - compile them in hardcopy for info for me. Doctor asked some questions I couldn't answer, since I didn't remember. But hey it was 2003 that I went through this.

Damn

Nov. 28th, 2016 04:51 pm
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Got the call. The lymphoma is back. Not terribly surprised. Will find out more info and schedule a doctor's apt with my oncologist. Again, please don't say anything on FB. My family is there. I will fill them in when I have more info. I will tell the world when they know. Now to tell Kendrick when he comes back in from stacking wood.

Shit

update

Nov. 28th, 2016 02:26 pm
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I will find out on Thursday the update of the biopsy, ultrasound and CAT Scan. Nervous. Just want to know one way or the other.

Will start baking tonight for the holidays.

Guess no news is good news. Figured if I hadn't heard anything by now that maybe things aren't too dire.
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Nov Thanksgiving - Missy's
Nov 28th CAT SCan
DEc 1 Doctor Tracy appt
Dec 3rd Craft show at school
Dec 10th Missy's Christmas
Dec 24th Meany Christmas
Dec 25th Our Christmas
Dec 27 Bardic
January Papermania? Birka
February O'Choda Gather, Reenactor's Tag sale ?
March Gulf Wars, Costume Symposium in Mass?
April Fredericsburg, Garage Sale / Flea Market
May Aethelmearc War Practice? War of Roses? Garage Sale / Flea Market
June Northern Regional War Practice? Balfars? Gettysburg, Kendrick will be doing that one alone so will be free that weekend Garage Sale / Flea Market - depending on number of books I get from NC
July Pennsic
Aug Pennsic

Spookey...

Nov. 17th, 2016 10:00 am
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Went in for my needle aspiration and ultrasound. Went fairly painlessly. They don't have any bad news for me, but can't figure out a diagnosis yet. Which I expected. Might have to go in for another needle aspiration if they can't figure it out over the next couple of days. Have a CAT scan on the 28th. Nice doctors, but the doctor that hds a speech impediment, I had a hard time understanding since I am hard of hearing. Usually I slough it off and pretend I understand what a person was saying but not good to do that with a doctor. I did manage to get all of what he was saying/asking.

They asked me some questions but can't answer but hopefully I chatted about it here on LJ if they can't find the records.

Weird thing is, every time they left the room to do whatever it is with the samples, the lights went off. Doctor was spooked by that first time it happened. Second time, even more so. Wasn't a motion sensor, waved my arms to get the lights to go back on but didn't work. He said he never had that happen before.
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We canned some blueberry conserve, lime-blueberry jam, low sugar/no sugar blueberry jam, jalapeno jelly. Have a couple more to go. Raspberry and spiced grape jelly. Then onto baking for the holidays!

Weed need to start scheduling shows for next year...if stuff goes topsy turvy for me health-wise, will change it but for now am going with the hope all will be ok.

Please don't mention any of this on FB...family doesn't know and don't want them to know until I am certain of the facts. If you want to throw a few prayers to the Great Cosmic Mushroom or diety of your choice, won't say no :)


Still haven't put the garden to bed, hopefully this weekend or this week.

Going through a number of exams next few weeks. Will have a needle aspiration, ultrasound on Thursday. Following week will get a CAT scan and week after will be a consult with the doctor to see what the upshot is. Only benefit of this is my doctor is drop dead good looking - but don't tell Kendrick ;) I feel ok, am thinking about the possibility of the big C coming back but not overwhelmed by it all. Have to deal with the hospital last few months telling me I am not covered by such and such...Usually i9t is someone's typo or lack of info since I switched over to Medicare this year plus a supplemental plan. I was wierded out a few months ago by it but now it is just an annoyance and I know I can get it all sorted out.

Update

Nov. 11th, 2016 09:15 am
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Went in for my consult...chances are good that it is nothing. With my history however they want to schedule a ultra sound and needle aspiration. Also a Cat Scan. So doctor appointments will be in my life for a month or two. Which is ok, cause this is a slow time of year for me outside of canning. The election is been draining - lost a few friends because of my third party position and I wasn't going to accept the fact, much as I dislike Trump, that the world would end with him being elected president. Going to can this weekend - blueberries and some jalapeno jelly plus a small craft show. Life does go on....
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Dental apt, auction. Friday I will be having a consult about my enlarged node. On the 15th, most likely will have an ultrasound and will schedule a biopsy soon after depending on what the results are. Am I scared, yeah. Am I depressed about the fact the Beast might be rearing its head up again? No...kinda expected it. NHL can't really be cured. Can go into remission for awhile but that is it. I really don't want it to interfere with our future plans. If it has to happen, have it happen now so I can deal with it, go through the chemo for a few months and then get better. I really don't want to miss Gulf Wars but that might happen. If I am diagnosed with it, will be better in time for Pennsic but a hairless puppy. Maybe I will get a tattoo on my scalp! No wig, the damn things itch. We are hoping to move in three years or so and want whatever crap I have to go through to be done.

shivers

Oct. 22nd, 2016 06:49 pm
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Looked back at my lj. 10/9/2003 is when I first found out I have cancer. Hoping this isn't a repeat.

update

Oct. 21st, 2016 02:15 pm
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I went to see the doctor, will get an ultrasound and if need be, a biopsy in a couple of weeks. I will tell my husband tonight. Didn't earlier because I didn't want him to worry while I was gone and I really didn't want to think about it much at WoW. I won't be posting about this all on FB. So much isn't known and family is on FB. If it is bad news, I will tell them sortof in person before the rest of the world knows. My doctor is telling me not to worry yet and am not really. But this is a good place to talk about it. Some of the folks I am closest to are here. It also was an incentive to do something about it instead of ignoring the issue and hoping it would go away.

worried...

Oct. 6th, 2016 08:20 pm
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About a couple of weeks ago or so, discovered a lump on the lymph node under jawline near my chin. It doesn't hurt, which is probably a bad thing. My husband doesn't know this yet. If he did he would worry about me at WoW. I am going to call the doctor, make an appt. for when I get back...take the pills to kick out any kind of infection. But doubt it is that. Pray it is tho. Lymphoma luckily is slow moving. Looks like it is exam time again at the doctor's....well I have been free of NHL cancer for almost 10 years but I knew there was a possibility of it coming back. But I gotta get on the ball and deal with this, so feel free to bug me to make at least a doctor's appt.

But for now, I will enjoy myself at WoW leaving next Tuesday and deal with the sucky stuff afterwards. Pray that it is not NHL rearing its ugly head again.
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Other shows to be scheduled

Sept 10 Garage Sale
Sept 11 Flea Market
Sept 17 Boxborough Book Fair
Sept 18 free?
Sept 24/25 trip to Portsmouth NH to look at ships?
Oct 1-2 Free - Kendrick will be at Timonium Maryland selling at a Militaria show
Oct 8-9 Free
Oct 12-20 War of Wings
Oct 22-23 Free
Oct 25 th Bardic
Oct 26-30 Gettysburg PA Militaria show
Nov free so far - unscheduled - probably will be canning
Dec unscheduled
January Papermania? Birka
February O'Choda Gather, Reenactor's Tag sale ?
March Gulf Wars, Costume Symposium in Mass?
April Fredericsburg, Garage Sale / Flea Market
May Aethelmearc War Practice? War of Roses? Garage Sale / Flea Market
June Northern Regional War Practice? Balfars? Gettysburg, Kendrick will be doing that one alone so will be free that weekend Garage Sale / Flea Market - depending on number of books I get from NC
July Pennsic
Aug Pennsic

Question

Sep. 7th, 2016 05:35 pm
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Is there anyone that reads my postings here? Just wondering. There usually isn't any feedback...that is ok. A lot of times, I post here just to vent because don't want to say anything on FB

sad...

Aug. 29th, 2016 08:53 pm
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An old customer that I hadn't seen for a few years called up the shop to donate some books. He was moving and couldn't take them with him - about 400. Probably when all is done ...double that. I didn't recognize his voice. We went on down to the house, saw literally boxes of garbage and stuff all over his yard. It was so bad, I was about to ask Kendrick to turn around. As soon as we got out of the car, smelled rotten diaper bags around us and other foul smells. Really started dreading going into the house. As soon as we went in, saw him and recognized him. He was very sad, his wife had divorced him some years ago, to go back South. And he never really got over it. All these years later, he is still like a lost puppy. He was having to move out...don't know why and didn't ask. But in the meantime, he lost his car. We took about 15 large boxes and will go back and get more when we empty these boxes. When we go through these books, will bring him some money for the books. They aren't rare books, but they were tenderly cared for and he is sad he has to let them go. He didn't ask for any money but feel that he really needs it. And the Fates have been kind to us the last couple of years. I figure that if the rest of the books are as good as these, might be able to get him 4-500 dollars. Tisn't charity, he would have none of that. As long as I can make that back, I will be happy. I told him our process of how we do our books. Mainly any books I feel I can't sell in the shop, I sell on ebay and then I sell at a garage sale and if they still don't sell, they go to the local Good Will, where we know they treat them well. Went through the first two boxes...mostly cook books. I shouldn't have much of a problem finding new homes for them. If the rest of them are like this, I will count myself lucky. If I cannot sell them in the shop or on eBay, they will be plucked up right away at the garage sale. He was so afraid he would have to throw away the books he was fond of. While he wasn't a close friend or anything, it still hurts that someone I know is in a bad place. He is religious but isn't following his faith like he used to. It gave him great comfort in the past.
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